Handcuffed, but not in a Good Way

I neither understand bonds, nor bondage.

Maybe it's just the fact that I'm not really wired to think in terms of inverse relationships.

Or any relationships for that matter. 

Although, maybe if I understood bondage better Sugar Momma would change her opinion about my understanding of relationships.

I do better with correlation. For example, I do understand that over the past couple of months, whenever Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke has spoken, it was a clear opportunity to make money by buying gold or silver before he spoke. Today was no different.

Direct correlation.

In the case of bonds (and currencies) I get confused thinking about whether I would want values going up or down. Just way too much thought seems to be necessary. Besides, I still have that belief that bonds are for the feeble and infirm and need to be held for a long time.

I have the attention span of a gnat and maybe the life expectancy, as well, so I really don't want to be overly involved with anything that's going to require me learning its name.

It used to be that if you held onto something for a long time, that was a good sign. You held onto winners and cut your losers.

Although I don't understand inverses, I do just the reverse.

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Hello, My Name is Bernanke

The CNBC morning show, Squawk on the Street, has a daily Tweet prompt asking viewers for their opinion on a wide range of topics.

Most of the time it's an attempt to inject a little bit of humor into the news of the day.

Today's thought surrounded yet another appearance by Ben Bernanke, this time in front of an august collection of elected officials far more genteel than those Philestine Congressman.

Senators. They're the higher and more refined form of elected official. They are usually less likely to be involved in petty scandals or felonies. They very often have better hair than their counterparts, as well.

What if you were Chairman of the Federal Reserve, Ben Bernanke, what parting words would you like to leave with the Senate committee that you were appearing in front of today?

You just know that he can't always have the highest regard for the questions coming his way and probably even less regard for the lengthy and rambling preambles to each question.

I'm sure there's a cottage industry somewhere that has Cambodian laborers painting thought bubbles over Bernanke's image as some clever humorist then finds the words to make the photo chuckle provoking.

Since I have lots of time on my hands, especially given the boring nature of the markets for the first two days of this week, I responded to the prompt, as I do a couple of times each week and ultimately had my Tweet glow in its 3 seconds of fame.

I guess they won't accept two "winners" on the same day, because I sent a second one while listening to the testimony, questioning and answering:

"Hello, my name is Bernanke. How do you thank me?" I think was actually better than the "winning" submission.

I think that most everything in life can have a parallel drawn to something Johnny Cash sang.

Maybe they just have something against homages to Johnny Cash, who has also inspired my investing philosophy.

Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe the drugs, not likely the adultery, but there's certainly an anti-Cash agenda.

Bernanke himself seems to have an anti-cash agenda, at least as it comes to personal savings.

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I Need a Case of the Blews

After the first week of trading in 2012, I was pretty ecstatic.

I don't really recall the details anymore, but I was way ahead of the S&P for those first few trading days, but had I just matched the overall market's performance I would have been happy, as the year was getting off to a good start.for everyone other than the Godless short sellers.

As the prayerful believers intone during the Passover Seder, "Daienu" - it would have been sufficient, as God is thanked for each successive miracle that he bought to a fleeing people in the desert. One such miracle would have been enough, but two? Three?

There's nothing like a series of miracles to chase a bad case of the blues.

For what it was worth, I was also hearing the fruits of my laborious efforts on air at CNBC as the crew of "Street Signs" was continually referring to their new word of the year, "Eurosis," which coincidentally enough I had submitted in response to their request for viewer submissions.

It was going to be a very good year. Miraculously so? Probably not, but as Szelhamos would say "Good enough."

Money and ego. How can you go wrong with that combination? The former feeds the latter and then if you can independently build the latter as well, all is good, as long as the ego doesn't give you a false sense of invincibility.

Then along came Ben Bernanke.

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Wasted on Me

I was up for no really good reason at about 4 AM, particularly since I don't consider Laszlo the Dog's barking at a phantom menace to be a good reason.

Probably more out of instinct than anything else I pulled up the Bloomberg Mobile app on my phone while waiting for Laszlo to protect us from the blowing leaves and saw that the US Futures Market was reasonably flat and the Asian markets were doing nothing special.

I went back to bed neither excited nor dreading the open, expecting yet another quiet day. Maybe the kind of day that I could find the time to complete my furniture repositioning tasks left over from the past two days.

Well, for the very same reasons that it's hard to justify sneaking away to attend to personal hygiene needs, a lot can happen on the international scene.

China decided to loosen up its banks' reserve requirements.

That apparently is a good thing as far as liquidity goes. Although Chinese companies may not like to abide by standard accounting principles, it does seem that basic economic laws apply, even in the People's Republic.

As if that wouldn't have been enough, the European Central Bank and our own Federal Reserve decided to coordinate action to allow foreign banks to access US dollars at lower cost.

What those ECB guys didn't realize was that those American Airline Frequent Flier miles that were thrown in to clinch the deal were going to be close to worthless.

Score another one for "The Bernank."

It was hard, though, to hear all of the cheering from the trading pits, what with the sound of Bernanke led chainsaws felling forests worth of lumber destined for the Treasury's printing presses.

I like Bernanke and think that his calm guidance likely rescued us from the kind of economic travesty that our generation could not possibly endure.

Besides, tell me that Bernanke doesn't look like a highly stylized and mythical lumberjack.

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7 Reasons why Criminal Life is Great

Following Wednesday's Moodys downgrades of Wells Fargo and Bank of America, fresh off the heels of a downgrade of Italian debt on Monday, it was not going to be a good day. The only hope was that maybe our Bernanke led Federal Reserve would pull an incredible rabbit out of its hat and just turn things around.

But for the most part, everyone was just waiting for the anticipated "Operation Twist" and its details before commiting one way or another.

Once those details came from the FOMC, which was uncharacteristically following Obama time for release of its statement, the market didn't like the description of our current economic state. Maybe it just couldn't deal with the fact that there were three dissenting votes

In a couple of blinks we went from being up 14 points to down 283.

Just another day at the office, dear. Just a little bit of dissent in the ranks.

Surprisingly, I don't feel like talking about stocks today, as I took another, largely unhedged pummeling, getting only two call sales made, both on beaten down RIverbed Technolgy, which was probably riding Hewlett Packard's coat-tails up this afternoon, as Leo Apotheker, its CEO of almost 12 months was rumored to bedismembered by coyotes.

Instead, I need to come clean and this is a good time as any.

It's not easy saying this, but at some point the truth needs to come out.

No, I'm not a virgin. A game of Twister, years ago, took care of that. And if I was, I don't think that I would admit it.

But as I sit and really think about it, the criminal life is great. The problem is that I'm not a criminal, but there's still time to re-invent myself. In a society where so many occupations are disappearing, there will always be criminality. Some things can't be entirely shipped offshore, even if the Nigerian princes are more authentic 10,000 miles away.

So then there's the whole credibility issue.

I suppose that everyone is a criminal by some definition. Depends on your society and your own personal values and especially how those values may be at odds with others, especially those with power. The guy who "pied" Rupert Murdoch during the Parliamentary hearings is a criminal, although most people watching the proceedings were probably equally criminal, at least in intent.

Years ago, when Jimmy Carter was running for the Presidency, during a Playboy interview he admitted to having "lusted in his heart". Nothing really criminal about that, but had he said that 20 years earlier he would have been condemned as a godless pariah and cast to the bottom of the heap with the other low lives.

Even Mother Teresa had her detractors, so much so that some theologians, perhaps of dubious merit themselves, believe that she is consigned to eternal imprisonment in Hell.

As I've grown accustomed to sitting on my La-Z-Boy, watching TV and trying to trade stocks and options, I've started to wonder whether I'd squandered the first 30 years of my professional life by toeing the line. Working day and and out, not only paying bills on time, but actually paying and other things that now seem so arbitrary.

Growing up in The Bronx, I now realize that the old neighborhood was populated by Mob families. The fathers were always home, were always around to play stickball with their kids and even had their own little coffee shop with blackened windows. The shirts weren't called "wife-beaters" back then, but I suppose they were.

Plus, the streets were always plowed and they had the best fireworks.

Can anyone say "Winning"?

My Sugar Momma and I have religiously watched COPS for about the last 20 years. Even though neither of us know more than the first line of the theme song, some things have become fairly obvious, besides the fact that some people can garner respect in a wife-beater, while others just can't and never will.

But what we really learned is that there's good criminal life and there's bad criminal life. COPS always portrays the bad criminal life.

Stupid people drinking, fighting, stealing and lying. That's bad criminal life. They seem to live in pretty squalid kinds of surroundings, have home-made tattoos and wear their pants down to their knees. They're often very unattractive as well.

Smart people probably stick to just the stealing and lying part although you do catch glimpses of the smart kind that think that they're smarter than those charged with keeping society safe, if you're in the habit of  watching Dateline.

Those often commit the bad kind of crime sometimes while in pursuit of the spoils of the good kind of crime.

That's a bad admixture. You can't do good by doing bad.

But I now realize that there are lots of good reasons to lead a certain kind of criminal life.

1. You make people feel better about themselves

People are so often much too hard on themselves and often suffer from inferiority complexes. Some have the whole thing figured out and just hang out with even more pathetic people to look good by comparison.

Being subjected to the bad kind of criminal activity let's those with a sense of inferiority know that there is someone even less deserving than they for our world's limited resources. Unfortunately, that kind of activity is often associated with very unpleasant things.

Like violence.

But being subjected to the good kind of criminal activity spurs aspirations, the need and desire to improve their own lots in life by seeing that there is another way to break the chains. There's nothing like a good example to spur people on to bigger and better things.

Seeing a hacker profiled on 60 Minutes makes most people believe in themselves.

If that moron could do it, so can I. And I won't get caught, either.

Not only do you feel better about yourself, but you inject your entire defeatist personna with an air of much needed confidence.

Beyond that, if asked to "forgive" a criminal who has wronged them, what greater feeling can anyone have than the magnanimity to provide grace to those that have fallen?

2. There's no time clock

The only thing you need to keep an eye on is your bank balance. That becomes your internal clock. Don't feel like playing criminal with your buddies today? No problem, take the day off. Want to sleep in this morning? Guess what? No problem.

Raining outside? Hetl, I'm not getting my new Crocs wet if I don't have to.

Shower? I don't need no stinking shower.

Get the idea.

3. Society loves a successful white collar criminal

It's true. They really do, unless they were directly effected. Most people admire the fact that people that can enrich themselves without really breaking a sweat.

The "Why didn't I think of that" mentality is common to our species. Best of all, seeing just how easily it can be done leads others toward developing even better techniques to separate people from their assets.

That is the basis for how we advance aqs a society. Unfortunately, the Chinese seem to be outdoing us at the moment, especially when it comes to the integrity of the companies that they take public.

But then consider who you admire more? The person that inherited their wealth, the person that made others toil to an awful extreme and under terrible conditions on behalf of their bottom line, or one that just siphons off other people's money?

Would you rather be America's next successful white collar crime czar or a tele-marketer? Seriously, which one really belongs in jail?

Wouldn't you rather see Bernie Madoff putting his skills to good use outside of jail and perhaps just cram 20 telemarketers into his cell instead?

4. You feel better about yourself

Not only can you check off "Other" or "Consultant" on those forms that ask about your job industry, but you can also choose any professional degree you like, any annual income and any net worth figure when completing surveys or polls.

Want to feel better than you did yesterday? Forget the Zoloft. No problem, just fill out a new form, maybe get yourself a nice new glitzy business card.

Watching your neighbor leave early in the morning for work and then getting home 12 hours later just reinforces that good feeling. That and the ability to hack into his unprotected wireless network while he's gone.

5. Stronger Family Relationships

Study after study shows that the more time parents can spend with their children during formative years, the better the outcome.

Kids that are able to routinely eat dinner with their parents have been consistently shown to be less likely to abuse drugs or alcohol.

The kids that I grew up with, whose fathers were always at home? No doubt they went into the family business and are passing the lessons learned to their loved ones over a nice plate of pasta and mussels.

6. Expanded personal horizons

There's nothing like a taste of success to move you toward seeking even more success. This is not your typical same old, same old 9 to 5. In the good kind of criminal life there's incentive to do well and to reach for even greater rewards. As you do so and as your enterprises thrive, along with your professional credibility comes social responsibility.

Patron of the arts, supporter of worthwhile charitable causes and other activities that support society, particularly as government support dwindles, are all part of the successful navigation of a career in good crime.

During the process you also learn things that you never learned in school, including evolving talents to meet the needs of the moment. In no profession does necessity translate into invention quite as efficiently as in a life of crime.

7. Improved strategic planning

If you look at the data on retirement planning, it's clear that we as Americans have no clue how to plan for the future.

Choose a life of crime and strategic planning becomes your middle name. Escape routes, alibis, Plan B, and so many more considerations before executing a plan. In essence, everything you do is lived out as if a three dimensional spreadsheet.

Those unprepared to deal with strategic planning are doomed to failure and may as well just work for a living.

These 7 reasons alone are compelling enough to get most people to start on their road toward change.

I haven't even mentioned the popular trickle down theory and how all of society benefits from your creation of personal wealth. Money and the time to enjoy spending it benefits all of us. Restaurants, department stores, pasta and mussels delivery boy. Everyone gets their piece.

Beyond the obvious reasons to consider re-inventing yourself are purely financial incentives that are more than just icing on the cake.

Anyone that's had a workplace 401k knows just how bad those are and how limited the investment choices can be. Together with contribution limitations, there's no denying that the self-employment tax deferred plans are so much more favorable.

Of course the ability to itemize your business related tax deductions are only limited by your imagination.

Need well manicured nails to stay at the top of your safecracker game? Simply take you deduction on the clippers and file. Panty hose over your head? Deductible.

Where do I sign up?

Since this blog is required reading in many elementary school classrooms, I want to be certain that it's clear that I'm not exhorting anyone to a life of "bad crime", but serious thought should be given to being the best you can be at the "good" kind of crime.

It's never too early to begin plotting your life of future plotting. 

Now if only there was a way to have all of these benefits without the laibility of prison.

How great would that be?

Wishful thinking.

By the way, what's your PIN, again?.

Selling a Kidney for Crack

I know that my short term memory is degraded, but I still remember what 2008 was like. It wasn't very good.

Even if I didn't remember, I could just dig up an old spreadsheet or look through my Quicken archives and would be reminded of the pain.

Every now and then, even though I don't pay too much attention to stock charts, I'll pull up 5 year charts just to see how low we coud sink when times get tough.

Stocks, like people, can sink to unimaginable depths.

Luckily, and totally serendipitously, that was the time that I started a strategy of aggressively selling covered call options and sticking to a relatively tightly controlled universe of stocks, so the pain wasn't as bad as it could have been. Always solid companies, never any speculative plays.

I've always thought of speculative stocks as being Zombies that could come back and devour its master if guard was ever let down.

Back then, though, I also worked for a living and actually made lots of money. In fact, by my estimation obscene amounts, particularly relative to my actual degree of effort.

I like to think of it in mathematical terms, except I'm reminded that the divisor can never be "zero".

Now, I sit and try to generate income from my holdings by selling and re-selling call options on the portfolio's holdings. It's been a really good alternative to the alternative.

As each monthly cycle begins I find myself in an optimistic frame of mind.

This past week, the beginning of the October cycle was no different. In fact, if anything, I was even more optimisitc after coming off an absolutely stunningly good last week of the September cycle.

During that week the market fought back from early day losses on a couple of days and rallied on other days in the face of no news, or even bad news.

Does it get any more bullish than that? Even more so when the markets appeared oversold in previous weeks. Like that wound up coil some people like to use in their attempts at imagery.

Funny how things work out.  I questioned my own sanity based upon last Friday's rally going into the weekend. There were so many open questions remaining in Europe, I never did understand where the optimism was coming from. Despite that, I was still looking forward to a great month coming and lots of new options income.

Did I mention "funny how things work out?"

Despite the terrible market in 2008, I never felt any desperation, even on a day when I may have lost the equivalent of 200 Color TV's (using 1964 Color TV Index).on paper. Having a job and employment income was probably a factor in maintaining a calm demeanor.

A few weeks ago, on the day the NYSE commemorated the tenth anniversary of the September 11th attacks, we had a 300 point drop, yet it was just an ordinary day as far as drops go. No stress and no worries.

Yesterday and Wednesday had very different feels to them. Sometimes it's not just about the magnitude, sometimes there's a qualitatively different feeling. Yesterday, in fact, it was the FOMC report, that led me to believe that they need to measure their words more carefully and perhaps consider "qualitative easing" for a change.

Adjectives can be really hurtful.

Gloom. That's the feeling. The same kind of feeling back in February 2009, which was the last time we'd had a week like this. It was just a couple of weeks later thatthe "Haines' Bottom" was called.

I actually shuddered to look at my largely unhedged positions today. Were it not for the plummet in silver and the subsequent rise in the ProShares UltraShort Silver ETF, which slowly has come to be about 9% of my portfolio, there really would have been some frightening numbers .

I actually have images of the short silver ETF's being my portfolio savior, if we can shave another $3-4 off the price of the metal.

And I don't really believe in saviors, but am willing to accept delivery from my misery. When I'm knocking on the door, I'll take all rites.

Just another form of hedging, that's all.

Unhedged, those shares were really easing the pain. Seems appropriate, as silver is also the antidote to a Zombie attack when forcefully thrust.

But one week into this 5 week options cycle, I was so woefully unhedged that the blows were all full body and the options premium income was much lower than I typically expect. Considering that September was the second worst income month of the year, I was feeling the pinch.

The other night we were watching some show on the National Geographic channel about cocaine. They profiled a Chicago addict who was going through a couple of hundred dollars each day.

Sugar Momma and I both wondered where he was getting the money from and then we found out, even though we both had a clue.

It was from that bad kind of crime that I covered in Wednesday's blog "7 Reasons Why Criminal Life is Great".

But sometimes you do what needs to be done. When faced with your personal stress test you do things that you may not be proud of.

So I looked at my babies and I do love them all and wondered which ones to sacrifice in order to generate some income.

Unfortunately, there weren't any really good prospects. In fact, the only promising position was the UltraShort Silver ETF. Just about everything else was deeply in the red.

Loving all of them equally, but loving the ETF most, it was a difficult decision, but Daddy needed some money.

Sigh. Like an addict going after that crack rock, I sold call options on about 30% of my ETF's. Almost like Abraham ready to sacrifice Isaac for a chance at the unknown.

However, instead of selling in the money or near the money calls, I sold the October 2011 $17 options, at a time when the ETF had already been up about $1.80 to $14.40

Sort of like Abraham using a magician's trick sword.

I've been confident that the metals would realize that gravity was an important contender and haven't been selling the covered calls in anticipation of that realization.

Until now.

I just needed that fix. It really did feel like selling your last remaining kidney for just one last crack rock.

Self-respect is pretty unimportant.

Dennis Gartman, that ubiquitous CNBC contributor must feel the same way, as he told people to "go out on the street and raise cash".

I think he was exhorting people to panhandle. I don't think Mayor Bloomberg is going to be a fan of that strategy. But at least that clears up the question of why Gartman spit on my windshield yesterday morning as I exited the Holland Tunnel.

To his credit, he was the only one out there with a magnetic credit card reader and a Skype connection.

Personally, despite my desperation, I am still the guardian of my dignity and would sooner sell apples or jump out my first floor window.

For a brief moment there was a 100 point climb off the lows when a FInancial Times report was misinterpreted. When the realization came that the report indicated that the European banks needed capitalization yesterday, those 100 points were gone in a flash.

I did take that opportunity to close out sold call option contracts on Transocean and DuPont, in anticipation of some kind of a bounce.

That may be overly optimisitc, as I don't expect the same kind of week closing rally as we had last week.

But at least I didn't take it quite to the lengths of the Greek banks.

The fact that Greek banks were offering lakeside villas for every new account deposit in excess of 50 Euros was not likely to create the kind of extra capital hordes that would be necessary to forestall collapse.

Can you imagine the size of the crack rock that it would take for Greece to pass that stress test?

Interestingly, the Greek banks may be in better shape than our very own Bank of America, where a new account deposit of $50 now gets you a major equity position, as shares have now fallen to a new all-time low point.

Moynihan, stop bogarting that crack pipe.

As bad as today was and as regrettable as the actions were, extending the metaphor, at least I can grow a kidney back.

We've all done it before and will likely all do it again.

Tough Times. Tough Decisions

Tough times do call for tough decisions.

We first heard that from Standard and Poors back in April.

No one listened, although the markets were spooked for a few hours on that day until the realization came that expecting a working and communicative political system to be at the root of any solution to our growing debt was probably just a joke.

It was certainly unrealistic, even though it wasn't that funny.

Then, 4 months later, perhaps as much as 20 months ahead of schedule, they made the tough decision to downgrade U.S. debt instruments.

So this past Friday, the much awaited Bernanke speech at the annual Kansas City Federal Reserve meeting in Jackson Hole could probably be distilled down to its very essence.

Tough times call for tough decisions.

The Chairman of the Federal Reserve re-iterated Standard and Poors' "take home lesson". A broken and dysfunctional political process would stand in the way of any solution to the economic issues that have been ailing us for these past few years. Not only would it stand in the way, but it has been.

In a nice Ivy League sort of way, the kindly gentleman from South Carolina, whose grandfather was described in the New York Times as having been a "Torah reader", figuratively flipped Congress "the bird".

Maybe literally, as well.

Either way, deservedly so.

With a somewhat surprising mid-afternoon market surge taking place well after Bernanke's words, I found myself being assigned shares of Freeport McMoran, JP Morgan and Mosaic.

For the first time in 2 weeks I was being faced with the opportunity to pick up some new shares or add to existing positions at still "bargain" prices. Unless I missed a really explosive upside movement, as I did with Green Mountain Coffee Roasters, I never mind being assigned. There always seems to be plenty of new opportunities to pick up something and exploit the greed of those who would buy the call options I'm selling.

I like exploiting others.

At the moment, before the markets open, I have my sights set on shares of Halliburton, Lockheed, ProShares UltraShort Silver, Chesapeake Energy, Goldman Sachs and British Petroleum. Who knows, if JP Morgan or Freeport take an early hit, I might even buy those back.

But those will be easy decisions.

The tough decision facing me right now is what topic to focus on for this blog.

So many to choose from.

Of course, there's always the opportunity to finely dissect Bernanke's words, but they still haven't fully understood his 2010 speech. I doubt that I'll still be around pumping out this drivel a year from now. In fact, Bernanke himself may not be around in this capacity a year from now. Give or Take a few months.

There's also lots of opportunity to exploit the weekend's top story, Hurricane Irene.

Fortunately, other than a few ripped out trees in our neighborhood, we had no damage and kept our power throughout.

My Sugar Momma, who is a mental health specialist and is a volunteer member of the Red Cross Emergency Preparedness system spent some time at two different shelters that had been set up for the event, housing mostly Eastern European seasonal workers who were evacuated from Ocean City. Things were so well coordinated that she was able to come home to spend the night. Besides, for the evacuees, this was like vacation. There was no stress nor mental anguish for them. For once during their stay in America they weren't being expolited. It was party time for them.

So, no Hurricane Irene storyline.

Finally, and I know that I spoke about Dick Cheney the other day in "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad Cheney" blog entry, I just couldn't resist one more go at it, especially after hearing his latest quote.

"Heads are going to explode in Washington".

Based on his past hunting history, that comment may be literal, so I would stay away from open windows.

Reportedly, among the bombshells contained in his new memoir, "In My Time", Cheney, the Vice-Preident who shot his hunting friend in the face and then exacted an apology from his pock faced friend, claims that General Colin Powell undermined the Presidency of George W. Bush.

Doing so wasn't terribly difficult.

In fact, words, especially when uttered by George W. Bush, seemed to always undermine him somehow.

Now, I can't be certain that General Powell never expressed his private opinions to others or expressed some concern with the quality of intelligence and the decisions made based on faulty intelligence. It is, though, hard to believe that a career soldier, a 4 star General, would do anything but follow the lead of his Commander-in-Chief.

Even so much as to be the fall guy for an Administration that had no credibility other than what resided in a well respected soldier.

On the other hand, Dick Cheney probably did more to undermine our Constitution than anyone since Jospeh McCarthy.

Although he is a hero to many and will take credit for the lack of domestic attacks sine 9/11, basing it on a trampling of civil rights, it's very difficult to logically agree with Cheney since it is still an age old impossibility to disprove a negative.

No one will ever be able to prove that the lack of domestic attacks over the past 10 years has or hasn't been related to enhanced interrogation, The Patriot Act or an impossibly large number of non-fatal heart attacks by a single individual.

I tired of the various comic routines focusing on Cheney a long, long time ago. At some point they just stopped being funny. Even though Joe Liberman has no shortage of detractors, what an incredible difference between two Vice-President wannabes. As a former Attorney General, I would have no doubt that Lieberman would have been an advocate for protecting human rights while protecting our borders.

Can't prove that either, though.

But I will be thinking of Dick Cheney when the market opens in the morning.

I always do so when contemplating buying Halliburton shares, which incidentally, but not coincidentally,  goes ex-dividend on Tuesday. I love picking up shares right before their ex days and selling call options on them.

I remember all of the negative press going Halliburton's way over the years, specifically due to Cheney's tenure as CEO.

Years ago, I thought that I was going to go into business with a one-time mentor and friend, but the contract offered to me was really nothing to be excited about.

In fact, it was downright evil, unless you're a big fan of indentured servitude.

Being the mentor that he was, he taught me one last thing.

Business is business and friendship is friendship. They're two very different things.

We never did go into business, but we remained friends and he never shot me in the face.

And so it was with Dick Cheney, except for the shooting in the face part.

No, we're not friends, but I didn't let my dislike for his aura of evil get in the way of the business aspect of investing in Halliburton. I've always loved Halliburton and it's treated me very well.

The lesson here is simply that "Profits are profits and disdain is disdain".

We can agree that making money makes the tough decisions so much easier to make. Plus, you can use those profits to buy buckshot.

Now, one easy decision will come tomorrow. When it comes down to deciding whether to watch the Cheney interview or instead watch some Comedy Central re-run.

Any re-run.

When you get right down to it, Hurricane Irene, though it took lives, didn't do anywhere near the damage that was expected. Bernanke, for however things work out for us in this economy, is above all, benevolent.

Cheney? Not so much on either account.

But in a spirit of compromise, I've positioned my La-Z-Boy directly under the leaking roof and will yell out all of my PIN passwords while enjoying "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" episode for the 30th time.

Invest like TheAcsMan

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Of Patriots and Plagues

Earthquake? Check

Hurricane? Check

100 Year Flood? Check, check.

Drought? check

What's next? Locusts?

Well, we don't have locusts where I am, but we do have stink bugs. A few years ago, ciccadas were substituted for locusts and were very successful in disgusting all of us.

So far, this years' stink bug invasion is much milder than their first appearance last year, but they're back. Despite the general agreement that there are no good consumer approaches to the management of these pests, that didn't impede the sale of stink bug remedies at my local Costco. One such very nicely packaged product was prominently displayed at the entrance and despite an ungodly price, moved off those shelves with amazing speed.

Thursday evening we watched our dachshund, Laszlo, start fretting and barking at nothing in particular. He's certainly more high strung than our past Golden Retriever Murray ever was, but this was even excessive by his own standards. After having gone through the absurdity of an earthquake in the mid-Atlantic, we wondered if he was sending the early warning signal of yet another rumble in the making.

Maybe completely coincidental, but Laszlo was very restless during the very early hours on Tuesday morning, Unless that were some imperceptible tremors, its not likely that he could have given us 12 hours advance notice. More likely, Laszlo was howling in response to some deer, who in turn may have been spooked by those same humanly imperceptible tremors in response to the frenzied forest rodents, and so on and so on.

Although my people tend to think of plagues as coming in a batch of ten at a time and ending with widespread death, I don't think that there are that many more natural disasters to come this summer.

These days, it's more the man made disasters that I worry about and it's possible that those have Laszlo's attention, as well.

Like many of us, Laszlo may be expressing his concern over Ben Bernanke's upcoming comments from Jackson Hole.

Maybe he's expressing some indignation over the sweetheart deals Warren Buffett is able to get from distressed banks and investment houses.

Maybe Laszlo was bemoaning that fact that the likes of Steve Jobs will not be seen again in his lifetime.

All of those concerns are valid and are the side benefits of using The New York Times as a potty training tool.

As an aside, Laszlo's take on the "Arab Spring" is that it's much ado about nothing. More of the same to come he believes. However, I'm not aware of his expertise in the international arena, despite the fact that he is a domestic news savant.

People being people, we either look for lessons from the past where none really exist, or we ignore the true lessons of the past. At the moment there's lots of speculation over just what Bernanke will say.

Amazingly, although he is widely considered to be the most transparent of the Federal Reserve Chairman, there is still disagreement over what he said or meant at last years' Jackson Hole Economic Policy Symposium, hosted by the Kansas City Federal Reserve

Yes, the same Kansas City Federal Reserve chaired by Herman Cain in the 90's.

Did Bernanke actually  announce Federal Reserve policy regarding quantitative easing or did he merely allude to that option?

A year later and the experts are still arguing.

Now, with 500 point dailiy swings the norm, precious metals soaring, the European Union at a crossroads and American unemployment still at unprecedented levels the experts are expanding their arguments to include the impact of Bernanke's as of yet unspoken words.

No doubt, but the Federal Reserve Chairman can still shake our world. With interest rates still at historic lows and talk that his quiver is empty, Bernanke seems to know how to make meaningful policy out of nothing at all.

In the absence of any obviously precipitating factors it safe to assume that yesterday's sell-off, which did follow the previously established script of recent weeks, was just a defensive posture in anticipation of some unwelcome words from Jackson Hole.

Based on demonstrated ability to interpret Bernanke's words, I suggest that traders wait a year or so before passing judgement and taking action. And when they are finally tready, they should scratch their heads and ask just one more time what he really meant.

Neither was there earth shaking news from Europe nor depressing newly released economic metrics for today's downdraft.

In fact, there was good news.

Despite Wednesday evening's 5% after hours drop in Apple after Jobs' resignation announcement, it actually outperformed today's market, as cooler investing heads prevailed. Tim Cook, his successor, is not exactly an unknown entity. Apple, even in the absence of its heart and soul will continue to create great wealth by virtue of creating great products. Think of how much Steve Jobs has helped circulate money through our economy. Music, movies, computers, communications all premium priced, all contributing to Apple's profits and stock gains.

Whatever our deficit is at this very second, imagine where it would be without having had the benefit of Apple related tax revenues and capital gains.

On a personal level, think of the capital gains that got redistributed into our economy through increased shopping, investment and charitable giving.

Steve Jobs? A patriot.

More good news came from Warren Buffett's $5 billion vote of confidence in Bank of America and in the US, in general.

Our history books talk of great American patriots. Future editions should include the name Warren Buffett. For so many people, their money is their life. Buffett may be roundly criticized for getting great terms on his investments in Goldman Sachs and Bank of America, but I shudder to think of how much deeper the abyss would have been without his willingness to sacrifice his wealth for the common good.

I rarely revise these blog postings, but the following is from an observation made by  Marek Fuchs, TheStreet.com media critic, who in a nice video clip parsed Bank of America/Buffett coverage.

His spot on observation was that Buffett was being analyzed through an inappropriate lens. The Wall Street Journal headline was that Buffett had made a cool $700 million in 30 minutes on his Bank of America investment, casting a predator light on Buffett, as if he was ready to cash in on his "paper profit".

Maybe that's what an under-taxed "hedgie" would have done, but Buffett is in it for the long run. Can you imagine what kind of harm would have befallen the market if Buffett took his "day trade" profits?

So, repeat. The man's a patriot.

Only history will tell us how we should consider Ben Bernanke, whether we should utter his name in the same breath as Steve Jobs and Warren Buffett.

The once prisitine reputation of his predecessor, Alan Greenspan, has been a bit soiled, as he's received at least some of the blame for our housing crisis and financial meltdown.

I think Bernanke will withstand that test better than Greenspan, but he certainly won't have the opportunity to match Greenspan in years of service. EIther by choice or otherwise, he will find happier pastures.

In the meantime, I reserve patriot status for anyone that gets me a stink bug solution that will leave my family alive.

----------------------------------------

This blog entry was written a bit more than a month prior to Steve Jobs' passing. See "Why I Owe Steve Jobs a Debt" for the indirect, but very tangible benefit that I derived from Steve Jobs and his Apple legacy

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Somethings don't get Old

It's been a long week. I probably don't have to tell you that.

For me, the highs and lows of the past few days were more than just quantitative matters, they were matters of the heart.

As Lou Grant would have said, "I hate matters of the heart".

The week in question started on a real high note, as I watched my son graduate from Army Basic Training last Wednesday and escalated as we were able to bring him home with us to start his junior year of college. So, while stocks were just beginning to really shed some real market cap, I didn't mind too much. Joy can make you forget such mundane things like skyrocketing paper losses.

In fact, despite being armed to the teeth with my traveling trading desk, after a few hours in the car on the first part of the trip down to South Carolina, I decided to spare my lap the deep thermal burns, shut down the streaming CNBC feed and give it a rest.

Of course, at the time, the market was up reasonably nicely and I had a feeling of calm and peace. So much so, I didn't even care that much when I learned that the market eventually turned for the worse.

The next two days I was essentially cut off from any timely market related news. Although I did prove to my Sugar Momma that I wan't addicted to the electronic market tether, I did find myself breaking into lots of cold sweats and sucking the residual sugar off of discarded gum wrappers.

For some bizarre reason, when my oldest son, who now follows the markets tracking his undiversified portfolio of one stock informed me that the market was down 500 points last Thursday, I took it in stride, after all, I had my whole family in tow, reminiscent of long car rides together 15 or more years earlier.

Not only did I take the news in stride, but I actually got a kick out of that news, even though I'm not a short seller. Despite the fact that I exercise a covered call strategy on nearly every holding and despite the fact that the bids on most of those call options were close to zero, I still felt a rush.

For me, the exaggerated bounces in the market never get old. They're always exciting, even if I can't find a way to take advantage of them.

Imagine then how excited I must have been on Monday. Can you believe losing even more than on the previous Thursday? If Dow down 500 points is good for the perverse part of my being, how great is 600 points?

When I was younger, I used to measure money in terms of how many color TV's you could buy with that money. Our family got its first color TV back in 1964, just in time to watch the Yankees - Cardinals World Series. I remember spending most of my time trying to get the colors just right and trying to find the perfect antenna position. I usually ended up being the antenna and the grass usually ended up being blue.

After all, for $500 were you expecting perfection?

At Szelhamos' highest earnings year, I calculated that he could have bought 50 color TV's or one each week. Back then I was too unsophisticated to factor in taxes and things like present day value, or concepts like "constant dollars".

Now that I'm older I don't think in such childish and simplistic terms. Instead, I now calculate a days' gain or loss on the basis of how many Szelhamos years worth of earnings it constituted. For example, instead of saying that Monday resulted in a paper loss of 200 color TV's at 1964 prices, I would be much more inclined to say that the losses covered 4 years worth of peak earnings.

What a rush, albeit a downward spiralling rush to poverty.

While the market was going down, despite an occasional tease upward, the joy still overcame all.

Today, the story was quite different. This time, instead of having headed down south for a bit of happiness, I had to trek North back home to New York for a bit of sadness, as word had come of the death of a woman very dear to me. Not an actual relative, but very much a second mother to myself and sister.

A Holocaust survivor, a refugee from communism, she started a new life with her family and friends in America.Always giving, always smiling and door always open. As much as joy can help you to forget, sadness can help you remember.

But in her case all of the memories were wonderful, but unfortunately they had grown old and increasingly dim, until a touching eulogy reminded us that in everyday actions by her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren those memories live on. Sometimes that memory will take the form of a strudel.

And that's alright, too.

As the days' drive to New York began, I was in the passenger seat, once again with full electronic gear at the ready. Pleased to see the market hold its 200 point gain once again those feelings of calm and peace returned, this time though looking at how many TV's I could buy with those paper gains.

At about 3 PM, heading from the funeral home to the cemetery, my oldest son who was in New York on a business and had joined with us, turned to me and calmly let me know that the market had given up all of its gains.

Serenity. Serenity now. Remember. It never gets old. I keep telling myself I love the violent and unexpected moves.

Now, I also love Ben Bernanke as much as the next guy, but I couldn't imagine in my wildest dreams what he could have said to have shaken the markets so much. Normally I'd have been home rapt on every word and nuance, but today I was left to my wonderings. Did he call Tim Geither a "pussy"? I think I'd put up 1o color TV's at 1964 prices to have a front row seat for that cat fight.

And I like both of them.

Finally arriving at the cemetery the rain was pouring upon us. Briefly it stopped and someone remarked "What a miracle, God is smiling on us". Minutes later the rain came back with a vengeance and that same person took the opportunity to say "What a miracle, God is crying with us".

That reminded me of something that does get old. The various talking heads that believe the viewer has no sense of history or at least no functioning memory. I like my analysts and miracles to be consistent.

But at least here the intention was good. Sun was good. Rain was good. We were celebrating a good life.

As I looked around the assembled crowd, it was no longer the elderly crowd that I remembered from my younger days. With very few exceptions, they are now gone, being replaced by newer versions of themselves.

Oy.

Once back in the car, my personal market reporter, whose personal wealth may dwarf mine if the IPO market can survive the downdraft ,once again turned to me and said "Wow, the market turned it around and closed up over 420 points".

That's a lot of color TV's.

Hearing that kind of news never gets old. It may not be strudel, but hearing my son deliver that news is a sign that I will never get old, rain or shine .

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WWMD

WWMD?

Is this some kind of a stuttering reference to "Weapons of Mass Destruction"?. Of course not. Szelhamos believed that you should never talk about sex, politics, religion or money. So it would be inappropriate to talk about WMD's, due to the political controversy it evokes. Somehow, however, I can rationalize talking about money. Don't ask me how, but is alright to do so. And somehow, Szelhamos could always rationalize talking about sex, politics, religion or money.

Guidelines were clearly meant to be broken.

WWMD?, quite simply is the question of the day. It stands for "What Would Moses Do?". And that truly is an appropriate question for this coming day, a day of biblical proportion.

Everytime that I'm ready to make an investment or divest from one, first I just glance at the bracelet on my left wrist and ask "What Would Moses Do?"

Am I prone to exaggeration? What was so epic about any one day that you could even slightly consider it to be of such grand importance? Does it rank up there with the Great Flood? If there are parallels to that occasion, one thing that I know for sure, is that I would leave all of the seers and financial analysts behind. Let them fend for themselves. If our world doesn't miss the dodo, it's not likely that we will be less well off due to the extinction of that class of predator. My favorite was a few years ago, still before the sub-prime debacle whenone fine and esteemed analyst went from a new downgrade of IBM to a recommended buy, within a 24 hour period.

I used to pay much more attention back then.

To continue in the biblical metaphor arena, "what the market giveth, the market taketh away". Just as Moses was the only one capable of parting the Red Sea, thereby taming it for everyone's benefit, so too must we rise to the occasion to deal with today's sea of red. Where there is red, there is opportunity, but not for the faint of heart.

Did you look at the action last week? It was awash in red and some green, and then red. If you were paying attention during the last hour on Wednesday, things can change rather quickly.

Moses never lost faith. Mine of course, is rooted in the world of pessimism and cynicism. But nonetheless, it is faith. Just faith that things will go badly.

The past two months have been abysmal. Even days when the early morning futures were pointing in the right direction would see my 5 digits gains evaporate into losses.

And those were the good days.

Every bit of economic and political news has been taken badly. Granted, there was a momentary euphoria over the prospects of a short term resolution to the Greek crisis, but ever since Bernanke's press conference, we've been drowning in a sea of uncertainty.

Do you remember when the market loved China and Chinese stocks? I've never invested in any, but have consistently owned shares in companies that revel in worldwide economic growth. Rio Tinto, Freeport McMoran and Mosaic are currently in my portfolio. 

Well those three are good reasons why you really can't love stocks. They are fickle.  Don't get me wrong. I still am very appreciative of how they've treated me in the past,  but I have to stay distant. It's much to easy to see your hopes and dreams dashed.

I suppose that my emotional attachment would be further dimished if I hadn't been selling calls along the way, although so far, I haven't dsold any on my Mosaic this options ctcle.

But I did so something very uncharacteristic for me today. It will probably lead to a bad outcome. But despite knowing that, I went ahead and followed a "stock tip" today. I've never done that before, but this one made sense.

The tip came from someone who has freely passed tips on before. Skeptical as I am, I never made a move on anyone's "hot" tips. But what I have always done, upon anyone's unsolicited recommendations, has been to follow that "tip". Back in the days when I used to receive lots of cold calls from brokers, I would ask them to give my 5 stocks for recommended purchase and their time frames for reaching their stock's target price. Those were in the days before Caller ID and Do Not Call Registries. My trusty spreadsheets proved to me that there was never a reason to stray from Bob Shapiro's advice and to never disconnect the Caller ID.

Greatest invention, ever.

If you don't know who Bob Shapiro was, get the Option to Profit book. His full identity is hidden in the book. I just called him "Bob".

Since I couldn't quite figure out how to make a subliminal plug for the book, I thought I'd just get right out there with it.

Anyway, this one particular tipster, has had a pretty good track record. In reviewing his past picks, it appears that he is a chartist. A technician. All of his picks have had very similar charts. Interestingly, his picks have all been very timely. But even more interestingly, they outperformed the market during its doldrums and vastly underperformed the market during its journey to new highs. In fact, during the recent stretch of up days, the market climb's slope was the antithesis of the slope of his other recommendations. Those stocks all declined! He was a chartist and a market timer. As far as I know, he has no relationship with anyone on the Dow Jones board. I should say "allegedly".

Today's recommendations, and they are his and not mine, are Crocs and Hansen Natural. No fly by night companies. Okay, maybe they are. Both just off a 52 week highs. Interestingly, I just wrote about my expanded Crocs collection just a few days ago, even proudly mentioning my faux-fur lined ones.

But I demurred. Would Crocs be the right choice to wade across the Red Sea if Moses turned out to be a crock? Is that really what I wanted to be found in if my lifeless body washed up the shores of Jericho? And with a non-recyclable can of Dragonfruit Sugar-free clutched in my hand?

Hmmm.

Then I remembered that I don't believe in stock tips anymore.

Is this what Moses would have done in the face of a sea of red? Would he fully change his ways, views and beliefs? It's sort of akin to worshipping at the feet of the golden calf. Would he have taken a tip from an idol worshipper?

I dont think so.

So how did it work out for Moses? It really depends on your perspective. He never made it to the Promised Land, although he made it possible for everyone else to get there. Maybe he should have changed his ways. Maybe he would have gotten to the Promised Land, although breaking those tablets was not a very wise thing to do. Figuratively, that was like dissing all of the commandments with one single action. Talk about efficiency. But he did make his point. At a price. A high price.

Come to think of it, if you threw a long maned wig on him and put a staff in his left hand, I think Ben Bernanke would make one fine Moses.

Me? I can change the definition of my Promised Land whenever I want. To me it's a number. That number may be another two years until full retirement, it may be a 30th wedding anniversary, or it may be a cholesterol of 150.

Whatever it is, I'll get there.

WWMD? He would make sure that even if he couldn't get there, the others would. And that's a good lesson, but there's nothing wrong with getting there yourself and bringing others with you.

Next week, we answer the question, WWBD?

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